Hello, hello! There was some confusion surrounding broadcasting these past two weeks, so our first episode back from the Christmas break wasn’t aired the first week back. Rather, you heard that episode last week, so now you’re getting new content from us. I don’t know if that makes sense. Hopefully it does.
Thank you for coming back to listen to this week’s episode of Real Talk – the show where we talk about dating, relationships, and all the lovely and horrible experiences we’ve had with them. Ranita here (as per usual), Steph most likely says hi. (Also, I make that sound like Steph doesn’t do that much but she’s in charge of all the tech stuff and I’m all about the writing stuff, so she deserves a lot of credit, much more than me.)
In terms of our loves lives, things haven’t really changed. I’m still living that #singlelife, as is Stephanie. I’m cool with it. I like that I’m not constantly checking my phone for Tinder messages – I am still checking for texts (spoiler alert: I never have any). I also like that I’m not up late. I don’t know why but when you’re dating someone, they always text you until like 3am. I’m getting my sleep now, which is awesome because I have placement this semester. I wouldn’t have time for dating even if I wanted to. I couldn’t tell you if Steph’s enjoying the #singlelife. It’s got its ups and downs I suppose.
This week’s episode is about “sex stuff” because we didn’t know how else to sum it up. Enjoy these subtopics:
Porn is just unrealistic you guys. We’re talking about staged porn here, aka the stuff you watch on PornHub with the storylines and the set and the actors and whatnot. It’s just horrible. First of all, that’s not an accurate portrayal of sex. People might grow up watching porn and then when it’s time for them to actually have sex they don’t know what they’re doing. Also, people in porn are always just going at it hard core. I don’t think people do that – or if they do, I don’t think it’s all the time. I don’t get it.
The other thing that bothers us about porn is the whole pubic hair situation. All the people have clean shaven or waxed pubic areas. That’s not accurate either. These “actors” are like hairless babies. Real people are not like that. Grown adults have hair. They do what they want with it.
Lastly, same-sex porn is ridiculous. We mostly discussed fem/fem porn and how it’s terrible. It’s made for the male gaze, and the women in it are either a part of a threesome, or they’re just “friends messing around.” It’s very rare that the women in “lesbian” (talk about bi erasure) porn are Sapphic. The other thing is that the sex itself is not realistic. Women who have sex with each other do not scissor. Or they do, realize it doesn’t work, and then move on. They also don’t have long manicured nails like these girls in porn do. That would hurt (just saying).
However, there are multiple kinds of porn. We’re talking about the video stuff here. There’s audio porn, smut, and all kinds of other things out there. You’re likely to find something you enjoy (if you’re into that sort of thing). The one upside of porn, that we can think of, is that it gives you a sense of what you might be into. (That’s not to say a straight woman watching lesbian porn is automatically a lesbian, but it’s a means of exploration.)
The Failures of Sex Ed
Sexual education is just a mess. At least it was when we were in grade school. I think there’s been a push to make it better, but then again parents have been protesting, so who knows what’s happening at this point?
Steph went to Catholic school, so her experience was a bit different than mine. In elementary school they gave the kids a book called “Faith Alive.” All the boys would just flip to the penis pictures, because that’s what elementary-school aged boys do. In high school, Steph was in an all-female gym class and they did a health unit. This included learning about how not to get pregnant, by using a condom and the pill. Apparently there wasn’t much talk about other forms of birth control. They also had the girls wear a pregnancy belly. So that’s cool.
My sex ed experience was weird as well. We were supposed to talk about it in grade 6, but my teacher put it off until the last day of school. She tried to give us a small class about it but we were 12 and we just wanted to go home for the summer so she gave up. I didn’t have sex ed again until grade 9. I was also in an all-female gym class where we did a health unit. My gym teacher was pretty great (S/O to Miss. Arnett) so even though no one took sex ed seriously, she tried her best to make it decent for us. She had this empty tissue box she kept at the front of the room that we could leave anonymous questions in. A lot of girls put stupid things, but I put in a question about how to protect yourself against STIs when having sex with someone of the same gender. When she read my question out loud a lot of the girls laughed and started asking who in the class was “the lesbian” but Arnett handled it and answered it well, bless her heart and soul. I’m glad I know now. Otherwise, sex ed was way too medical and there was no talk of consent other than “drugs and alcohol affect your judgement.”
Here we are. Perhaps the most important thing we will ever talk about on this show.
The textbook definition is that consent means actively agreeing to engage in sexual activity with somebody. It lets someone know that sex is wanted. It also has to be ongoing and enthusiastic, and can be withdrawn at any time. (That last bit is very important.)
Steph found an article called “5 Things You Need to Know About Consent” (here’s the link: https://au.reachout.com/articles/5-things-you-need-to-know-about-sexual-consent) so please check that out. The main idea is that you should remember “if you’re both equally as enthusiastic about having sex, it also makes the sex much more pleasurable and enjoyable.”
Also, for those of you who complain that “consent isn’t sexy” – it’s mandatory. Take your stupid excuses and realize that you’re part of the problem. You can ask in a sexy way. Personally, I’ve been with people who have asked before we did anything – I’ve had people ask if they could kiss me, and honestly, that makes me respect that person.
Remember that you need to have consent every time you have sex. Even if it’s not the first time you’re having sex with that person. Just because someone said yes in the past doesn’t mean they’re saying yes now. Just because someone’s in a relationship with you doesn’t mean they always want to have sex with you. Just ask.
Also, we spoke about Laurier’s policies surrounding sexual assault on the show. I mentioned that Laurier does not interfere if the Laurier students in question are not on campus. Here’s the policy in question (there’s a chance I’m misunderstanding, but my initial response is negative):
“This policy and the accompanying procedures apply to all Students—regardless of their position or role or time of incident (e.g., evenings, weekends and holidays)—when on University property or when off campus and there is an impact on their academic program or campus-life (for e.g. in residence, at the gym, etc.).”
You can read more about it here and come to your own conclusions: https://www.wlu.ca/about/governance/assets/resources/12.4-gendered-and-sexual-violence-policy-and-procedures.html
My Rant About Aziz Ansari
Oh boy, are you ready for this? Because I have a lot of thoughts about this whole situation.
If you haven’t heard about the whole Aziz drama, I’m going to try to give you a brief rundown. Basically, this girl – who is calling herself Grace – went on a date with Aziz. It seemed to be going well, they went out for dinner, it was a fun time. They left and went back to his place, where stuff got weird. Things got heated. He “aggressively” kissed her and undressed her. Grace wasn’t happy with how fast things were progressing. When Aziz said he was going to get a condom, Grace stopped him. He then continued to kiss her aggressively. Some more stuff happened, Grace obviously wasn’t into it, but Aziz didn’t get the hint and kept trying to engage in sexual activity with her. At a certain point Grace decided to leave and Aziz called her an Uber. He texted her the next day to tell her he’d like to see her again, and she responded saying that his behaviour was unacceptable and made her very uncomfortable. He replied saying he didn’t notice that she wasn’t into it.
(Here’s a link to the article if I didn’t explain this very well: https://babe.net/2018/01/13/aziz-ansari-28355)
Here we are now. I’m angry. On a very basic level, I was a fan of Aziz. I found his comedy specials great, I loved Master of None, and his book Modern Romance was funny and relatable. I’m burning it now.
Now, the whole situation is messed up on its own. Sexual assault of any kind is not okay, and I’m glad that this girl is bringing it to light. But then, I saw this newscaster (American, of course) who was a woman, first of all, who addressed Grace saying she’s “sorry had a bad date.” She then goes on to say that Grace could’ve left at any time. No one was stopping her from walking out of Aziz’s apartment.
I’m going to verbally punch this woman in the face.
Don’t upset men. Women have been taught this from birth. You don’t want to go out with a man? Well, go out with him anyways because you don’t want to hurt his feelings (also he might bring a gun to school and start shooting because that’s a thing that happens). You don’t want to have sex with a man? Well, just leave before he does anything. Otherwise, you’re to blame.
These two ideas pretty much go against each other. If a man makes an unwanted move, just leave. But don’t say no to him because then you’ll upset him. You can’t win either way. If you leave, you’re a bitch. If you stay, you could get hurt.
I completely understand where Grace is coming from. I have been in situations where I’ve wanted to say no to a man. I didn’t, because I didn’t want to be seen as a frigid bitch, or a femi-nazi, or whatever they’re calling women who speak up for themselves these days. It’s hard. It’s even worse when you’re in a situation with someone you genuinely like. For example, I have been in a relationship with someone who wanted to engage in sexual activity when I didn’t want to. I didn’t say no, but I very clearly was not into it. I didn’t want to push him away or leave because this was someone (I thought) I loved. It’s a complicated area. It’s not as simple as “leaving.”
Also, I saw a tweet the other day. This girl said that men have been saying if what Aziz did is sexual assault, then every woman they know has been sexually assaulted. And she said, “yeah actually.”
Think about it.
(I feel like this entire episode and blog post turned into my feelings about this Aziz thing and I’m sorry I’m not sorry because it’s such an important issue.)
I was going to link the newscaster but let’s not give that women any attention. Here’s a link to Time’s article on the Silence Breakers, because that’s much more important and worthy of your time:
Couples of the Week
Steph’s is Monica Geller and Chandler Bing from Friends, of course. I agree with her on this one. I’m not as much of a fan as she is, but I’ve seen enough of the show to know the dealio. Steph likes them because they’re a stable, constant relationship throughout the show, and they’re perfect for each other. I get it, because I think the same thing about Lily and Marshall in How I Met Your Mother – who even cares about Ted and Robin? Or Ross and Rachel?
My couple of the week is Yorkie and Kelly from San Junipero (the Black Mirror episode). It is the only episode of Black Mirror I have watched, because (1) I heard that it ends well, and not creepily like every other Black Mirror episode, and (2) I heard that it featured a biracial queer couple and one of the women is bisexual. I love me some of that representation. San Junipero is awesome, and it means so much to see a bisexual person of colour on screen. I also love the fact that Yorkie has never dated a woman, yet the fact that she’s gay is never questioned. It’s just an amazing piece of art, it deserved the Emmy (Emmys?) that it won. Please watch it.
Songs of the Week
Steph’s is Wait a Minute! By Willow. AKA, Willow Smith, as in child of Will Smith. I haven’t listened to the song yet but it’s probably good. I’m going to listen to it once I’ve added it to the playlist (check out our Spotify playlist!! It’s linked down below – enjoy my shameless promo).
My song of the week is Her Lover by Ally Hills. It’s technically a mash-up of Rhiannon and Dreams by Fleetwood Mac. If you know me, you know I love Fleetwood Mac more than I love myself, so obviously this cover is amazing. I love Ally Hills. The song sounds very gay, and the music video for it is even more gay. Check it out. Since it’s not an original song I can’t put it on the playlist, so enjoy here:
Holy crap that was a long post. No wonder it took me forever to write. I just had a lot of feelings about a lot of things this week.
That’s the rundown of this week’s show! We’ll be back next Tuesday at 7pm talking about God knows what. Tune in to find out (god that was cheesy, I need to be more original).
Once again, thanks to Radio Laurier for giving us this amazing opportunity. This show was born when my ex-boyfriend broke up with me in September and I needed an outlet to pour all my hatred for him into. I never thought it would actually turn into something that we’re still doing, months later.
Lastly, if you want to get in contact with us you can tweet us @PlaidCheesecake and @stephwillmore. If you want to e-mail me you can do that at firstname.lastname@example.org. Thanks y’all, we hope you come back next week!
Check out our Spotify playlist! I hope you enjoy it. I do.