Normally I use this space to talk about this week’s show, and believe me, this week was a great show. You can find the playlist here, but right now I want to steal one of my favourite blog ideas in the history of ever. On Grantland.com there is a feature called “Rembert Explains the ’80s”, where Rembert Browne will watch a video and describe it in words and trust me, it is hilarious. I am now going to try and steal that premise to explain the greatest rap video of all time: Super Bowl Shuffle. Just watch that clip, and follow along as I dream about my time being negative-6 years old during the making of this video.
0:07 – Now that is how you start a rap song! An inspired drum intro, followed by the finest video graphics of 1985 as the Chicago Bears Superbowl team of 1985 is introduced on stage, dancing in full pads and completely out of sync with each other.
0:36 – I feel like Rebecca Black’s songwriter wrote the lyrics to everything you just heard. It gets better.
0:37 – Walter Payton comes in to tell the audience that this video wasn’t made for them, but for charity. They’re also not here for trouble, simply they want to do the Super Bowl Shuffle. I say let them shuffle. He explains this while dancing in front of what looks like a green screen of his teammates dancing behind him. Weird, because I’m pretty sure they were all just on the stage with him. Who’s up next?
0:55 – Speedy Willis, Bears wide receiver, steps up and rips that mic off the stand and gets real into his lyrics. He calls himself “smooth as a chocolate swirl” and then begins thrusting and rotating his junk until the camera cuts away, presumably because the crew had to clean up all the panties that were immediately thrown on stage at him.
1:35 – Number 23 looks like he has literally never held a bass in his life and just starts moving his fingers as fast as possible across those strings, and he’ll be damned if you tell him to do otherwise.
1:40 – We need Christopher Walken to come in and talk to this guy, ASAP.
1:46 – Bongos?!?!? Where do you hear a single bongo in this song??? It’s like the producers told the players, “All right, we’re making a music video to a song, who can play an instrument?” and this guy was like, “Oh snap! Imma bust out my bongos all over this!”
1:56 – Numbers 53, 31, and 20 take the role of “backup singers who don’t actually sing but just stand there and do things with their hands because they insisted on being in the video and we felt bad so we told them to stand over in the corner”. Why not, right?
2:11 – Bears quarterback Jim McMahon believes the best thing he offers to this team as their quarterback is his ability to hit the turf without a plan. That’s called a sack. Somebody please explain this to him, quickly.
2:43 – Skinny Ray Lewis is interrupted by the first and only female referee in the NFL blowing her whistle and pointing at the camera, BECAUSE HE WAS ABOUT TO SWEAR. We can’t have that nonsense in the Super Bowl Shuffle, Mr. Skinny Ray Lewis.
2:49 – A SAX SOLO! He’s getting so into the solo, and you can see #18 jamming out equally as hard on the guitar behind him even though there is essentially no guitar in this part of the song. The entire time, the bassist from before is looking at them wondering how they got so good at the fake instruments given to them 5 minutes ago.
3:06 – Team accountant and certified waterboy Steve jumps in on the track for some reason and shows off a throwing motion that would make Tim Tebow envious.
3:42 – It’s apparently a contractual obligation for every member of the rap crew to end their part with the words “Super Bowl Shuffle”. I just clued in to this.
4:10 – The Jackie Robinson of the female refereeing world makes another appearance to shut down fake Kurtis Blow from swearing. When will these guys learn?
4:20 – I feel like Mr. Clean is the most emasculating nickname they could give to somebody in such a rough league. This guy doesn’t seem to mind though. Also, I love Mike Singletary’s glasses as he dances behind this guy.
4:38 – ’80’s graphics, everyone! We’ve come so far.
4:55 – 5:00 – Next time I’m at the club I’m stealing those arm movements. Look for me.
5:00 – ANOTHER SAX SOLO!! We are not worthy.
5:10 – The team breaks huddle for one final rendition of the chorus that will forever be stuck in my head. “We are the Bears shufflin’ crew, shufflin’ on down, doin’ it for you. We’re so bad, we know we’re good, blowing your mind like we knew we would. You know we’re just, struttin’ for fun, struttin’ our stuff, for everyone! We’re not here to start no trouble, we’re just here to do the Superbowl Shuffle!”
That’s all I’ve got, I’m done watching this video. There are many more great examples of 80’s sports teams doing their own raps and forever tainting their images, and I’m definitely not missing the opportunity to play one or two of them in my next shows. Tune in next Monday at 9:00pm to listen to the show!